FullMetal Alchemist: How It REALLY Is
by Toxicated-Cupcake
Summary: A generalized parody-type-thing about what REALLY happens at Eastern HQ. :D Please R&R! And no, this isn't quite like a written abridged series... It kinda follows a story xD
1. Hello, Readers!

Hello readers. Welcome to FullMetal Alchemist: The _really_ real behind the scenes.

Contained within are more or less spoofs of the series, manga and anime alike. I do not –unfortunately- own these characters, names, places, the dog, ect.

I will update on a chapterly basis, and on YOUR interactivity with me. :D I like hearing from you guys! Two reviews will give you a new chapter. Two. Twooooo liiiitle reviews. I can't wait. Feel free to leave me some random ideas; I'm up for everything.

Do know, if you are a Roy fan, he does get picked on a lot in here. I also HATE Riza Hawkeye. I get my revenge upon her soon enough. Ed gets picked on too, but Roy's… TTHHHP! gets mauled. A lot. Poor Roy… But it's because we love him! D:

DO NOT DOUBT ME! I SHALL WRITE THIS FIC WITH… DETERMINATION AND PRIDE! :D

That's all for now.

Do wait for Chapter 1: The First


	2. Chapter 1: The First

Chapter 1: The First

Roy Mustang was walking down the hallway, minding his own, when a small voice emanated from somewhere behind him. A rather squeaky, small voice.

"Colonel!"

Roy smirked and continued walking. He had something to do… for once.

"Mustang! Colonel… ROY!" The small voice squeaked and squawked behind him, getting louder and higher in pitch.

Roy finally stopped. He slowly turned around and looked down the hallway, ignoring the blond teen in front of him. "I swear I was hearing someone calling my name…"

"COLONEL MUSTANG! I am calling your name! I, Edward Elric, am trying to tell you something!" Ed was almost screaming now.

"Or I'm hearing a fly try to talk to me… Wait, no. It sounds like a… A… A chibi. Yes, a chibi." Roy went to turn back around when he was suddenly acquainted with Ed's face. "Did you grow? Or did I simply shrink?"

"No, you asshole! And," Ed was seething, he took a deep breath, and screamed, flailing his fists in the most dangerous of fashions, "_Who are you calling so small that they can't even be seen from the bottom of the floor looking up at them, that they are shadowed by a single grain of rice, that he is so puny that he himself cannot even see his reflection in the mirror?!?!"_

Roy raised an eyebrow, "Definitely not your ego, that's for sure." Roy's smirk widened, then a thought struck him. Just **how** was Edward looking at him eye-to-eye? Looking over to his side, he saw the floor, to his other side, the wall. Ed had kicked his legs out from beneath him. His suddenly realized and aching rear confirmed this realization.

"What, Colonel, no smart remarks?"

"No, Edward. I was just surprised that you would stoop so _low_ as to kick me off my own feet. Are you really that _short_ tempered?" He asked, emphasizing the words.

Edward just stared for a moment, processing the insult. Without a word, he stood up.

'A calm reaction?' Roy thought. Wrong.

Ed dropped the rather large and heavy book he was carrying at Roy's lower regions, corner sides aimed mercilessly.

A small crunching noise was followed by a squeak. Roy clutched himself, his eyes watering, mentally cursing the little brat.

Edward smirked and simply walked away, giggling at his attack.

Alphonse quickly followed Edward from another hallway, and looked as if he was pestering his nii-san as to what he did to the colonel that made him so cheerful.

Roy grimaced and sat up, grabbing the book from its painful resting place. He flipped it around to read the cover. "What the..? 'Alchemy for Dummies, the 'how to' of any kind of Alchemy!' … Is this supposed to be some kind of insult?" He stood up, wincing at the pain, and looked down the hallway at the now distant Ed, cursing his generations to come of chronic shortness.

He waddled down the hallway, holding the book Ed dropped on him. He reached his office to see a note taped to the door. Roy yanked it off without reading it, and hurried inside. Rushing for the little hidden fridge underneath his desk, he tossed the book and note on Fuhrey's desk.

Reaching inside of the fridge, he pulled out an ice pack. Sitting gingerly down, he placed the pack on his throbbing lower area. He winced at the sudden change in temperature, but sighed at the relief of pain a few seconds after that. He realized that he'd have to take a few painkillers later, and that the cold would soon be painful as well, but he just sighed and leaned back in his chair.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

After successfully crushing the Colonel's family jewels, Ed was happily walking down the hallway when Alphonse came from his hiding spot; another hallway.

"Nii-san! What did you do the Colonel?"

"Nothing, Al, he deserved it."

"He called you short, didn't he?"

"…" Ed stopped, turning to face his metal brother.

"N-Nii-san?" Alphonse cowered slightly.

Nothing else could be heard in Eastern Command Center ecxept Edward's screamig, and the clanging of metal on metal.


	3. Chapter 2: Seconds

Chapter Two: Seconds.

The day after Ed had disabled the Colonel, he decided to go read some books. A specific book. He went to the table of magical bookness and saw that the book in question wasn't on the top like it was supposed to be.

"DAMMIT!"

"Nii-san, you killed the Colonel with it, didn't you?"

Ed looked up at his younger brother, his face red and his eyes narrow. "What?"

Al took a step back. He just got the last dent out from yesterdays near beating. "You did drop it on the Colonel when he called you… erm, y'know."

"Al…" Ed stood straight, and looked at the door, "I feel too ashamed to ask for it back."

"So… then what are you going to do?"

"Steal it!" The words were accompanied with a strange and rather threatening gleam in Ed's eyes.

Al shook his head and followed his bother out the door and down the hallway.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Colonel Mustang returned to his dorm after icing his rather tender nuts, and sat gingerly down on his couch before opening the book Edward had murdered his pride with. He flipped through the first pages, and came upon the first chapter of the book. "Equivalent Exchange: The first law of any sort of Alchemy."

Roy nearly giggled at the first line. He had heard it so many times from his stalker-Chibi (aka Ed) it was laughable but for people to actually put the line in a book was funnier than the Fuhrer getting caught in public without his pants on. Not that Roy had witnessed that.

After reading the first chapter of the ridiculous book, Roy set it down on his coffee table and went to bed.

More than a few hours later, he was awoken by what he thought was Alphonse's voice scolding someone. He sat up groggily, and looked at his room's door. He heard a small clap.

Roy stood and stealthily made his way to his bedroom's door, peeking carefully out. He saw his front door turn, and the pipsqueak walked in. He fought the urge to pop out from his hiding place and terrify Ed, but he knew a way to get back much better.

Ed looked around, grabbed the book from the table and went to walk out of the door, thinking he'd gotten off without a hitch.

Roy drew a small circle on his wall, tapped his fingers to it quickly and observed the door handle move slightly. Perfect.

Ed reached out to the handle, and to his amazement, the handle grabbed his arm. He fought the urge to yelp in surprise, but there was no way he could open the door without doing something with the book. He was short, but not short enough to set the book on the ground, his other hand was being held by Roy's door handle, and the coffee table was just out of reach as well. Damn.

Roy snorted. He snuck out quietly to stand behind Edward as he was assessing the situation.

"Here, let me take this for you," he said kindly, taking the book from Ed's hand.

"Oh, thanks…" Ed said, then realized he wasn't alone anymore. His face paled, eyes narrowed. He turned around to face the Colonel.

"…."

"Good morning, FullMetal."

Ed started to yank at his arm, and cursed his luck.

Roy walked over to Ed, tapped his door handle, and handed the book back to Edward, and said with a smirk, "Elementary, my dear Elric." and watched as Ed bolted down the hallway.

Danke for the reviews~ And sorry for the short chappy! D:


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